Thread: Jokes

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived
a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that
a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic
and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies
department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather
gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent of his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter:




Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen
the long one with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to
remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little tight on her. She also said that they rub against
her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it
since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with
a little bit of fur showing.

Old Kiwi jokes

Q: What's the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the main function of the Wallabies coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What's the All Black version of a hat-trick?
A: Conceding three tries in three minutes.

Q: Why don't the Wallabies backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do the Wallabies, All Blacks and drug addicts have in common?
A: All three spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under 'complacent' it reads "New Zealand All Blacks, Australia Wallabies, RWC Quarter final, 2007."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Did you hear that the Australia Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Wallabies rugby players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer Southern Hemisphere players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

Q: What do you have when the All Blacks are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call an Australian at the RWC final?
A: Ref.

Originally Posted by VladTepes

This on the aother hand is a real news story:

An public figure who has been knighted and has lived in Britain for 44 years has been rejected,

"An public figure"?

Maybe the reporter from the newspaper couldn't speak English either!

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered, BP

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their
shoes.

9. If at first yo u don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on
the same night.

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They

bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the
Pilot
says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let

us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.> >However, even

with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it
goes
and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
"Any
idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.