Thread: Jokes

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying " Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I
live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up. He asked, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me,"He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.

"He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

Don't know if this has been posted before - but it's hilarious, and I love it

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

THANKS TO THE INTERNET...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop being in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up the car.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use glad wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be *****ed with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me - that's if they don't steal my kidneys too.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a white tailed spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can't ever pick up $10 I dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies on certain days!

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbours ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

THE 7 KINDS OF SEX
SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "**** you."
RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

That was great!

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "****,
****, ****, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Brisbane Airport
A bloke named Bill, on vacation overseas, lost his wallet and all
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home in
Queensland, but is stopped by the Australian Customs at Brisbane airport.
"May I see your passport, please?" asks the customs officer.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my passport," replies the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the Customs
Officer.
"But I can prove I'm a Queenslander!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Joh
Bjelke-Peterson tattooed on one cheek and Rob Borbidge on the other."
"This I've got to see," replies the Customs Officer.
With that, Bill drops his pants and shows the officer.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the officer. "Welcome Home"
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know for sure I was from Queensland?"





The Officer replies, "I recognized Peter Beattie in the middle."