Thread: Jokes

Once upon a time a long long long time ago a Handsom Prince asked a Beautifull Princess to marry him.
She politely said No and he lived Happily ever after.
The end

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching".
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

good one mate

Originally Posted by FenianEel

....but all men are men.

You say that as though it a problem

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by
the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on
my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased
with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused:
"Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer...








Bitch

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist and this was one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life".
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera" she said "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming".

Q--What do Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson have in common

A--Theyve both been punched around the ring