Thread: Jokes

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.'I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.''Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.'Anyway', she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'



So I told her to **** off

LOL

penicillan in fairly widespread us by us forces by 1944

Originally Posted by RonMcGr

The way it was . . .How old is Grandpa???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principals office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????



















This man would be only 59 years old.

Aircraft Accident - please read first


My friends ex-wife, Cindy, started taking flying lessons several months before
their divorce proceedings started (1999) and got her license about the time
it became final.

Recently, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was
piloting when she was forced to attempt an emergency landing in a
garden across town because of bad weather and crashed.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient
fuel on board. Thankfully, no one on the ground was injured.

The attached photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of
the damage to her aircraft.

She was very, very lucky. . . . . .






Scroll down...

A TRUE QUEENSLANDER

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.'

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.'

The bloke from Carlton says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.'

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.'

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.



He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'

Its all true!

well well the 1st to reply was a queenslander

not a bad joke i thought

And without being edited to be state-bias.... i am impressed