Thread: Jokes

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
Between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who,
When asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of
My tool to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
Received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
Providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to'drop 'em,'
Which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
tool and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'

Interesting Health Fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shi*ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your a*se and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

How to tell if you're Taliban


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 AK-47 and $5,000 rocket l au ncher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your bum with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.

5. You can't think of anything you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

7. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

8. You're not allowed to look at females but having a crush on your neighbour's goat, and eventually acting upon it, is fine.

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/Mortonmudcrab.mp3

The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate
patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put
that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a
day.'

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
Moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!

Q. Two Frankston girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?


A. Society.


Q. What does a Frankston girl use as protection during sex?


A. A bus shelter.


Q. What do you call a 30 year old Frankston girl?


A. Granny.


Q. Why did the Frankston girl cross the road?


A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.


Q. What do you call a Frankston girl in a white tracksuit?


A. The bride.


Q. What's the first question during an Frankston quiz night?


A. What you looking at?


Q. Two Frankston kids in a car without any music - who is driving?


A. The policeman.


Q. What's the difference between a Frankston boy and an Frankston girl?


A. A Frankston girl has a higher sperm count.


Q. Three Frankston youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?


A. The car seats four.


Q. What's the most confusing day in Frankston?


A. Fathers day


Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Frankston?


A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

TRUE STORIES!!
JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, "HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY WERE LABELED LSD?" GRANNY REPLIES, "F**K THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!"


LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTANTLY AGREES.. NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?" DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.

BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.

DAD SAYS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"

BILLY SAYS, " WIMBLEDON !"





A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, "I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT."

HE REPLIES, "YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"





WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, "WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?"

HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, "YOUR F***IN' SENSE OF HUMOUR!"