Thread: Jokes

Jeez Sleepy,
That reminds me of--
There was a new hotel opened up in Hollywood some years back & they wanted to cater to the rich actors clientele. They even hired out of work entertainers who were in between jobs.
So Roy Rodgers was one of the first customers & the manager, keen to impress offered a shoe shine.
Roy was reluctant, his cowboy shoes were pretty new & he just loved them, but put them outside his door to be collected.
In the morning Roy opened his door to find his shoes a mangled mess, dripping with saliva. He was furious & summoned the manager who promised to replace them immediately at no cost but Roy wanted blood, he insisted on an explanation or he would'nt stay there again.
Ten minutes later there was a knock on his door & its Al Jolson holding up a cat with a guilty look on its face & Al says--

Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes??

Originally Posted by Sleepy

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says....


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

much much better as told during the cricket commentary by Kerry O'Keefe - listen to it here: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200603/r74772_210339.mp3

KOK - What a wakka!

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8&feature=player_embedded"]YouTube- Two Drums and a Cymbal Fall off a Cliff[/ame]

and the rest of their site.

Home Tom Scott

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.


After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY... Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

Dave,
This is the joke page.

When or where do we get the punch line for this joke.

Dave.

GOOD GIRLS OR BAD GIRLS

What did the Aulro ladies get for Christmas?

Were you good girls or bad girls?

Good girls get K-Mart granny undies, Fruity Lexia casks & Autumn Brown sweet sherry, irons and kettles.

Bad girls get Huit and la Perla lingerie, Louis Roderer Kristal champagne and Petrus claret, SAAB convertibles, Chanel perfume.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Belfast, there's Mick's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down Paddy's claims, but he swears every word is true.


"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself personally, no," admitted Paddy. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.