Jokes

**roverfj1200** · 20th September 2007, 08:13 PM

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?"

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

googe · 20th September 2007, 08:29 PM

2 snakes are slithering through the bush and one says are we poisonous? I dunno says his mate why? I just bit my tongue.

**VladTepes** · 20th September 2007, 09:40 PM

Originally Posted by googe

2 snakes are slithering through the bush and one says are we poisonous? I dunno says his mate why? I just bit my tongue.

ROFLMAO !!!!

googe · 21st September 2007, 12:17 AM

Originally Posted by Numpty's Missus

An old deaf bloke goes to his doctor for a general checkup. Takes his wife to interpret as he is stone deaf.

Doctor says "OK...I need a sample of you blood, urine, sperm and faeces"
Old bloke turns to his wife and says "what did he say"
She says.....

He wants to see you underpants love

Love that one

googe · 21st September 2007, 12:28 AM

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

**Traveler** · 9th October 2007, 06:46 AM

The national poetry competition has two finalists.
One an academic from Melbourne
The other a bushy from outback Queensland.
They are given 2 minutes to come up with a poem with the word Timbuktoo.
The Melbourne guy goes first: Across the desert sands, treked the dusty caravans, men on camel, two by two, destination Timbuktoo.
Not to be outdone the Queenslander stands up: Tim and me a huntin' went, met three whores in a pop up tent, they were three, we were two, so i bucked one and Timbuktoo.

**Bigbjorn** · 9th October 2007, 06:56 AM

A business woman checked into a five star hotel and went to the bar for a couple of pre-dinner drinks. She was seated next to a well-dressed prosperous looking man. After a while she noticed he was regularly looking at a very fancy looking watch. She asked him if he was expecting someone who was running late as she had noticed him looking at his watch. He told he that was not the case but he was getting used to the watch which he had bought that day. He said " This is a state of the art very high tech watch which communicates with me telepathically using ultra wave technology. It can also receive brain waves from other people close by." Oh", she said, "has it told you anything about me?" He replied "Yes, it tells me you are not wearing panties". "Well your watch is dead wrong. I am definitely wearing panties" she said. "Damn thing is running an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"

**BigJon** · 9th October 2007, 11:23 AM

2007 Australian Citizenship test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the ****"? ________________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty??
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does " sinkin ' **** at a mates joint and getten para " mean?

**VladTepes** · 10th October 2007, 10:16 AM

Yay - I'm Australian !!!!!!!!!!!

**VladTepes** · 10th October 2007, 10:19 AM

This on the aother hand is a real news story:

Pommie lingo test is unfair dinkum, mate

Sarah Hall, political correspondent
Thursday August 19, 2004
The Guardian

They may describe women as "sheilas" and use "bastard" as a term of endearment but, apart from pedants, few suggest Australians cannot speak English.
Few, that is, apart from the Home Office. Under rules introduced last month, Australians - and Canadians, New Zealanders, South Africans, and Americans - must prove they have a good grasp of English to become UK citizens.

Yet officials have still not decided how to prove this.
Under the new rules, all migrants wanting British passports must prove sufficient English knowledge, the easiest means to which is gaining an English for Speakers of Other Languages certificate.
Those who speak English as their first language cannot sign up, however - they need written confirmation from a designated person that they have an equivalent qualification. Proof can be obtained by having a chat with a designated person.
The trouble is that the Home Office has not yet decided who the designated judges will be.
A Home Office spokesman said the list would be determined "shortly" and would be in place by September 1.
Meanwhile, applicants who have to wait an average seven months for naturalisation, and who must have lived in Britain for five years, are fuming at being rejected.
An public figure who has been knighted and has lived in Britain for 44 years has been rejected, as has a 30-year-old Australian writer, who did not wish to be named. She said the Home Office had turned her down despite her two degrees in English and public communications. The writer's MP, the Liberal Democrat for Brent East, Sarah Teather, yesterday wrote to David Blunkett denouncing their treatment as a "bureaucratic nonsense". The Home Office said it would be wrong to assume applicants from English-speaking countries had workable English. "Just because someone's born in an English-speaking country doesn't mean to say they're exempt from these standards of proof," the spokesman said.

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