Thread: Jokes

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's >mini van and headed north.
>
>After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
>they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
>the door if they could spend the night.
>
>"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
>to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
>neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
>
>"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
>weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
>two men found their way to the barn and settled
>in for the night.
>
>Come morning, the weather had
>cleared, and they got on their way. They
>enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
>an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
>it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
>attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>
>He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
>good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
>about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
>"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
>house and pay her a visit?"
>
>"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
>have to admit that I did."
>
>"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
>
>Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
>buddy.
>I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
>
>"She just died and left me everything."

A Pom, an Italian and a Blonde were working on the construction of a 32 story highrise.

At lunch time the Pom opens up his lunch box, looks inside and states " Gwad blimey.......roast beef sandwhiches....again! I tell you if I get roast beef sandwhiches again...I am going to throw myself off this building".

The Italian looks into his lunch pail and states " Mama mia...pizza! ...pizza! every aday I geta da pizza....If I geta da pizza again, I too am going to throw myself orffa dis a building".

The Blond looks into his lunch and states " Look at this.... Double smoked shaved ham with a caesar salad, I swear I get this everyday......To-morrow if I get it I will join you in throwing myself off this building."

The next day at lunch time all three are on the 32 story, The Pom sits down opens up his lunch and roars " Roast Beef Sandwhiches !!!" at this he races to the edge and hurles himself off the building.

The Italian looks at the Blonde, opens his lunch and screams " PIZZA ...I gotta da PIZZA!!!! and he too hurles himself from the top floor.

The Blonde opens his lunch, jumps from the building shouting "Shaved ham and caesar salad" until he splats into the ground beside the other two.

At the combined funeral the three widows are seat together, The Pom's wife is crying uncontrollably " If only I had known" she wails " My poor Cedric.....I thought he loved Roast Beef...If only I had known.. I would have given him something else"

The Italian's wife is just about hysterical with grief " My Mario ! My Mario !
I a thought he loves da pizza, dats a why I feed my Mario da pizza. I coulda given him a somating else"

The Blonde's wife is sitting there dry eyed looking rather mystified by the proceedings.

Finally the Italian's wife turns to her and says "Whatsa matter with you, whya you notta crying....donta you wish you feed your man somating else?"

The Blonde's wife looks at the Italian's wife, looks at the coffin of her husband and turns back to the Italian's wife and replies "He always insisted on making his own lunch"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
" I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking officer."!

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the
answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are
unable to think this one through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite
sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is
getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman. They are both
thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?





Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Don't look down

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. Your turn, he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

What's up? Asks Robbie.

Elton sobs," My head won't fit between the railings!"

THINGS YOU DON'T SAY TO A COP


The Top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

PILOT ERROR .........





Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************

Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately! "
Unknown aircraft:"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

************


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."

************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206 .
Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"