Thread: Jokes

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

DEEP THOUGHTs about 42

Swimmin' with Forty-Two thankful fish eating dolphins on my Blue-Green planet thinking my digital watch is pretty neat and wondering what is a Hyperspatial Express Route, anyway?

LIFE Is .... Paradoxically Coincidental To The Ironical Tyrrany Applicable To The Unparalleled Definition Of Reverse Entropy



Background Information

As any digital hardware engineer, or software engineer, can tell you, the number '42' in base ten is equal to '101010' in base two. This alternating pattern of ones and zeros illustrates DEEP Thought's indecision about the Ultimate Question.

Of course, in the original Hitchhiker's Guide radio scripts, when Arthur has the "cave man" put out Scrabble stones and the sentence "What do you get if you multiply six by nine?" emerges, and then Arthur says "Six by nine? Forty-two? You know, I've always felt that there was something fundamentally wrong with the Universe." -- it is at this point that a faint and distant voice says "base thirteen!".

42 (base 13) is equal to 54 (base 10). (Of Course -- Douglas Adams has been quoted as saying " You just don't write jokes in base 13!" )
To dispel any myths about 42 (and to make Douglas Adams Happy!), Douglas Adams also wrote on USENET: The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do' I typed it out. End of story

The following is a list of the places where DEEP Thought has accumulated the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything throughout the world.



Natural Phenomenon and Mathematical Sightings

The Earth is 42 orders of magnitude (based on powers of ten) larger than the Planck Length (in case you dont know what that is, it is the smallest length that humans have been able to measure; all below the Planck Length is impossible to measure because time and space merge, and relativity ceases to be the rule. The Planck Length is 1 x 10^-35m.)
The angle at which light reflects off of water to create a rainbow is 42 degrees.
The chamber in the Cheops pyramid is exactly 42 metres over the ground
The total number of dots on a pair of dice is 42
42 is 4 tens and 2 ones. 4 is the only perfect number (the number is a perfect square AND it is the only number to have the same number of letters as the number represents) 2 squared is 4, the perfect number.
Take ANY number, square its digits, and then add them up. Do the same thing with the answer. If you keep doing this indefinitely your final answer will either be a 1, or you'll enter a loop of solutions that -culminate- with the number 42!
Water is most dense at 4.2 degrees celsius. Ice therefore floats on water, and allows marine life to survive below it.
The integer part of the square root of proton mass divided by electron mass gives 42
The element Molybdenum is vital for plant life on earth. The Atomic Number of Molybdenum is 42
4^2 = 2^4. Other than 24, this is the only non-palindromic two-digit number for which that is true
Propane boils at -42 C
The maximum temperature in degrees celsius a human can survive in case of a disease is (of course) 42 degrees celsius !
If you take the number 'PI' as 3.14, and multiply the whole part (3) by the decimal part (14), 3 X 14 --> 42
If you drilled a hole through the Earth from one point to another, and that hole was frictionless, it would take 42 minutes for gravity to move you from you side of the tunnel to the other. That also goes for satellites orbiting the Earth with only gravity moving them.
Greatest recorded distance covered by one jump of a kangaroo is 42 feet (Guiness, page 71).
A barrel contains 42 gallons.
The number of chromosomes of harvested wheat is 42
1 joule is equal to 4.2 calories


Computer/Electronics Related Sightings

If you know 'C' programming, you can try out the following code segment to find the answer yourself. This is probably the exact code used by Deep Thought itself!
ultimate_answer_t deep_thought(void)
{
sleep(years2secs(7500000));
return 42;
}

In Germany, the dimensions of Computer-Monitors must be printed in centimeters AND Inches, which follows to this relationship: A 17"-Monitor, a common size for computer displays, has a screen-diagonal of 42 cm.
Apple filed 42 patents on technology developed for its Color LaserWriter 12/600 PS
The most successful electron tube for audio applications in the 1930's was a "type 42" six-pin amplifier
RSA developed 42 potential systems for public-key crypto before building one that could not be cracked.
In the majority of commonly used character sets, the asterisk, "*" is character number 42. And, as we all know, the asterisk is commonly used as a wildcard character. It stands for anything, and, consequently, everything. The answer to life, the universe, and everything. Most of the visible objects in the Universe are stars.
The most common telephone insulator (US) - the old blue-green type was a Hemingray 42.
The control panel MacPPP on the Macintosh reads under default settings the magic number seed value 42


Miscellaneous Sightings

42 percent of all American women rely on some type of sterilization for birth control (Newsweek, March 13, 1995, p.60)
Each Marathon run lasts 42 km (+195m)
There is very often a 42 on the zipper of your Levis
Some Japanese people bought the Empire State Building with $42 billion dollars.
42 people died at Chernobyl
A Kastleburger at the Tastee Donuts coffee shop in Jackson, Mississippi costs 42 cents
The tank of the "Ford Fiesta" is 42 liters
A new species of fish was discovered in Fiordland, New Zealand and named Fiordichthys slartibartfasti. The paper was accepted for publication by Journal of Natural History on 11 March 1994 - Douglas Adams' 42nd birthday
Found in the German postcode-register:
06420 Lebendorf (Leben = life),
06542 Allstedt (All = universe) and
88422 Alleshausen (Alles = everything).

Now what do these postcodes have in common? And these 3 cities are located on a straight line and do not form a triangle as you would expect!

There is a bar/night club in Lyon, France called "the 42"
The sentence "I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it!" contains 42 characters (Not including the spaces....)
The city of Jerusalem covers an area of 42 square miles
Napoleon graduated 42nd in his class at Brienne military school
The first book printed on the Gutenburg (movable type) press was a bible with 42 lines on each page
In an L.A. Times Poll in October 1995, 42% of white people think racism is a major problem, another 42% think it's a moderate problem
Only 42% of the second-class passengers on the Titanic survived.
The tank of the Super Beetle 1302 S takes 42 liters!
How many eyes are there in a deck of cards - 42
A Playtex Wonder bra consists of 42 individual parts
Miller Pilsner has 4.2% alcohol
The right arm of the Statue of Liberty is 42 feet long
There were 42 events at the first modern Olympics
There are 42 Oreo cookies in a one-pound package
The America's Cup yachts must meet the following specification:
( (length at waterline) + (square root of sail area) + (cube root of displacement) ) / 1.3579 = 42
There are '42' men on the back of a U.S.$2 bill! Representing the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
The Gaza Strip is 42 kilometers long


This Page shows excerpts of a website which is originally compiled, maintained and Copyrighted © 1995, 1996 by:
Rod Kent and Dave Jones