Thread: Jokes

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

*370H-SSV-0773H *

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

two blondes were walking along the railroad one morning after spending all night at a nightclub. "wow these stairs are killing me." said the first blonde. the second blonde groaned back. "the stairs dont bother me as much as the low handrail

A blonde walks into a salon and says, "I want to get my hair done". The stylist notice she was wearing headphones and carrying a Walkman. The stylist then says "OK, but first let's take off the headphones." The blonde jumps back and shrieks, "NO I'LL DIE!" The stylist says "Don't be silly," and snatches the headphones off her head. The blonde falls instantly dead. Shocked, the stylist puts on the headphones "...breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe..."

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

A guy urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the Boss would not
allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell him to take a few days off. So he hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde) asked,
"What are you doing? He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing ?" The guy said, "I'm a light bulb." The boss said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". The guy jumped
down and walked out of the office. When the guy's co-worker (the blonde)
followed him, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're
going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.

"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks, flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

Originally Posted by Vandermorph

Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across marks in the ground. One says to another, "Oh, look at the deer tracks!" "Those aren't deer trucks, you dumb blonde!" says the other. "They're bear prints." They continue to argue, "Deer tracks, you dumb blonde, No - Bear prints, you dumb blonde!"
Next day's headlines : Two blondes killed by train in forest.

Needs a little editting:

Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across marks in the ground.
One says to another, "Oh, look dear tracks!"
"Those aren't deer trucks, you dumb blonde!" says the other. "They're bear prints."
They continue to argue, "Dear, tracks!! you dumb blonde", "No - Bear prints, you dumb blonde!"
Next day's headlines : Two blondes killed by train in forest.

Makes more sense now

Subject: The Morning After Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he seesis a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,next to them,
a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staringback
at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone b*tch. I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
RedRose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless