Thread: Jokes

Bloke rushes through the front door of his house and shouts to his wife, "Rowena, pack your things! I've just won lotto!". Rowena replies, "Fantastic! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" He replies, "I don't care what you do. Just so long as you're out of my life by midday!"

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

yes, I chuckled at that one.....still chuckling away here.............

Dad and Dave are looking at a jar of rabbit droppings on the table. Dave says "hey dad, whats in the jar?" dad says, "well Dave, theyre called smart pills" Dave says, "can I try some Dad?" After throwing a couple into his mouth, Dave spits them out in disgust and splutters.."those pills taste like rabbit ****...!" Dad says, "see Dave, youre getting smarter already".....

I'm a little confused, with all these water bills coming in at like 500-1000 bucks why do I keep getting phones calls saying your $10 can supply water to a whole village for a month!?.... Screw this, I'm changing my water supplier to oxfam!

A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems.
The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?"
"Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!"

I used to be a mime. Only now I can talk about it.

So I can't spell the word Armageddon. It's not the end of the world or anything.

People say I'm a plagiarist. Their words. Not mine.

I think it's wrong only one company makes the game 'Monopoly'.

I can't even count how many times I failed math.

In university, I wanted to join the debating team, but my roommate talked me out of it.

My therapist says I'm fixated on vengeance. We'll just see about that.

Heard this on the radio the other day.

'What do you call the annoying eddy of wind that causes campfire smoke to blow in your eyes? - A McGuire!'