Jokes

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
No answer.
So he jumps over a wall, walks around the garden, taps on the window and returns to the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing the dog.
The butcher intervenes by saying: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my eye! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key."

Watch the bloke on the other end.

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All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:

Pythagorean theorem: ...........................................24 words.

Lord's prayer:........................................... ............ 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: ........................................... 67 words.

10 Commandments: ............................................ 179 words.

Gettysburg address: ............................................ 286 words.

US Declaration of Independence : .................... 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .......... 7,818 words.

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage:....... 26,911 words.

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up then,
kiss me and
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you crazy?
Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

Quote of the week....

The Honorable Member for Dobell, Craig Thomson, has shattered one of the great traditions of the Australian Labor Party by demonstrating that they can indeed organise a root in a brothel.

From Edinburgh Festival

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Drive-Thru McDonald's was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.


I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

Little Johnny was having a shower with his nan. He says to his nan..."whats that nan"....nan replies..."Thats my beaver".

Next night little Johhny is having a shower with his mummy and says..."Whats that mummy"...Mummy replies.."Thats my beaver".........Johnny replies..."Ah....nan's must be dead as its tongue is hanging out" :o

Regards

Stevo

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no.
Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really ****ed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ “A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha, Western Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.
No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned
car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!!

September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots
of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but
I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we
expected.

October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've learned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from bloody Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't
arrived for the air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been
sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we
can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500
and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 35. Stupid thieving repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, the
car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking bloody wet and
I smell like baked cat. This place is the end of the Earth.

November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my arse was on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off
my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat.

November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. ****!

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and
blow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****ing
hell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of
swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ing
arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid *****.
****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want to
live here!

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kidding
me!