Thread: Jokes

A hippie boards a bus and spies a pretty young Nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks: 'Can we have sex ?'

'No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God'. She stands up and gets off at
the next stop.

The bus driver turns to the hippie and says: 'I can tell you how to get to
have sex with her!'

'Yeah?' says the hippie. 'Yeah!' says the bus driver.

'She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all
you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous
powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.'

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

'I am God,' he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
'You will have sex with me ?'

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal
sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he
jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

'Ha-ha' he cries, 'I'm the hippie !'

'Ha-ha' cries the nun. 'I'm the bus driver !'

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, That is the question,' asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, 'I had a dream!
' Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!'
'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off' 'No thanka you miss. I am of
Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,' said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing > Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone..
'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny. 'See ya Tuesday!!!!

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

My chinese friend just told me this one:

'The only things with four legs we don't eat are tables and chairs,
and the only things on 2 legs we don't eat are our parents'

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Di spatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

I hope that everyone hasn't already seen this.... it was just passed onto me


SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008



Scenario :

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2008 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in
for traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2008- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sadly so close to the truth !

People really do need to HTFU !