Thread: Jokes

I caught a young kid trying to pick the lock on my car boot the other day, I shouted at him " Hey you, cut that out, your in there for a reason!!"

It was entertainment night at the Bundaberg Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain. .

A husband emerges from the shower at bed time and was climbing into bed when his wife proclaimed as per usual dont get any ideas l have a headache, no worries her husband said l was just in the bathroom and powdered my penis with crushed aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository its up to you

The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.

So here are some codes for the seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.




'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in to bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.


' The next night he came home from work and yelled

' BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.




When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.


When he yelled '

BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?




'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, 'she replied' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Originally Posted by VladTepes

A husband emerges from the shower at bed time and was climbing into bed when his wife proclaimed as per usual dont get any ideas l have a headache, no worries her husband said l was just in the bathroom and powdered my penis with crushed aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository its up to you

Or a pessary...

I think the joke is trying to be dirtier than that Mark !

FLAWLESSLY LOGICAL

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...


The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other ****** using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another ******?"