Thread: Jokes

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?" Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said - "This is the Manly Ferry."

Some New Words
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future
6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
7. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido : All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Some More Words
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Police have ordered shops & factories to remove all Muhammed teddy bears from sale.

They don't want shopkeepers and factories to make a prophet out of it all.

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle would I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."


The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."

Q: How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

Originally Posted by djhampson

Q: How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

i just saw this elsewhere and didnt know if you all watched him or the show over there...

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned
Down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: "You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?"
Scot: "Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock."

Secretary: "This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts."
Scot: "Aye, so do I."

Secretary: "You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?"
Scot: "Aye, neither do I."

Secretary: "But you are a Jew?"
Scot: "Aye, I be that."

Secretary: "So you are circumcised?"
Scot: "Aye, I be that too."

Secretary: "I am terribly sorry but the members just would not feel
Comfortable with that."
Scot: "Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint
Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a complete ***** to
Join a golf club."