Thread: Jokes

Two old men, Hank and Morty, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons
and talking about baseball. Hank turns to Morty and asks, "Do you
think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Morty thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's
make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's
baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Hank passes on.
Soon afterward, Morty sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself
and hears a voice whisper, "Morty... Morty... ."

Morty responds, "Hank! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Morty," whispers Hank's ghost.

Morty, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Hank, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Morty.

Hank says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Morty says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Hank sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Sunday....."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... We can't hire you!"

"Wait," the man says: "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

From my youth... last Century



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
" Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14... What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "'But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....
-- A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.



21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local TAFE, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying,"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens
and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''

’Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me
up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.’

After working in the local munitions factory for 25 years Mr Kim had saved enough money to put a deposit on a Pyongyang sedan so he could drive to the local communist rallies on his one day off a month.

A year later he gets a call to say that his car would be delivered to him on 23rd July 2017.

Mr Kim very disappointingly had to tell the man from the Pyongyang factory that this was not possible as he had the plumber coming in on that day

The pm was driving a constituent and her young son through Kings Cross when the son pointed to some women loitering on the footpath and asked her, "what are those ladies waiting for"?...to which she replied, "they are waiting for their husbands to pick them up after work."
The PM cut in and said, "lady, you can't shield your son from the real world. admit to him that they are prostitutes"
The boy then asked, "mum, do prostitutes have babies"?
The mother replied, "of course son, where do you think politicians come from"?

A truly heartbreaking story:

Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.