Thread: Jokes

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating morning tea with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The cook replied, "well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."

Horrified the Admiral exclaims "well that's very unhygenic!"

The cook shrugs and replies "well if you feel that way sir, I suggest you steer well clear of the donuts."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ''Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

" Feels great," he replied; " but I still think my thumb's broken!"

A policeman pulled me over last night.

He said, "Your front tyre has no tread, your rear tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of beer in your hand and you're not wearing a seatbelt!"

I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I said, "Hang on a minute buddy, I'm on the phone."

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Redneck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off hunting’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even."

Originally Posted by kenleyfred

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Redneck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off hunting’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?” The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even."

What is rsquo and rdquo?

What is rsquo and rdquo?[

Fixed it, that was weird, copy and paste, but I'm sure it wasn't like that when I posted it