Thread: Jokes

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your
wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg
up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Why did the Irishman wear three condoms?


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To be sure, to be sure, to be sure

Seeing how it is just over a month till Australia Day, I thought it appropriate to start promoting this now, to give every one time to get organized for the event.

WALK NAKED ON AUSTRALIA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it
is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked.
He must commit suicide if he does. So next Tuesday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6 -pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless Australia!

Tampax have announced a special edition tampon for Xmas

They have replaced the string with a piece of tinsel.

The marketing team have said the special edition is only available for the Christmas period.

It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight-year-old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, ''That was brilliant, I can see the headline now -

‘Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.''

The man replied, 'No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.''

The man replied, ''No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London.''

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -

'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'.



And for our other Celtic cousins...

A tourist dropped in at a pub, way out in the Irish countryside. Unlike other establishments, this one seemed remarkably quiet. The gentle murmur of conversations occasionally interrupted by someone calling out a random number, as which point there would be polite laughter of varying degrees.
Intrigued, he asked his Host what was going on....

"Well, to be sure there are lots of jokes around, and in truth everyone has heard them all before. But we still enjoy re-telling them. And since we do... we've numbered them all, - saves time and makes the telling so much easier for young and old, - and ye never forget the punchline that way!

Sure, and we'd love to hear one from you"

The tourist was reluctant, but the Publican was persuasive and the atmosphere was indeed cordial... so he called out "2137"

There was a sudden silence............ then the pub erupted in uproarous laughter and much clapping etc.

"What have I done" he asked, thoroughly embarrased by the applause.

"Well, its 'cos we have'nt heard that one before"....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

What sort of noiseannoysanoyster?







Anoisynoiseannoysanoyster!

Paddy texts his wife...

Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.

If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."