Thread: Jokes

Subject:
Aussie Economy...




Sound economic advice from the EXPERTS in Canberra, relevant here in NZ too I reckon, only difference our Government isn't offering the ?Economic Stimulus? package.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a question and answer format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money!
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China.
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:


*If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will go to China, Vietnam or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or China ...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru...
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or
2) Going to footy games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.

(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)
Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Originally Posted by Bob Harding

Subject:
Aussie Economy...




Sound economic advice from the EXPERTS in Canberra, relevant here in NZ too I reckon, only difference our Government isn't offering the ?Economic Stimulus? package.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a question and answer format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money!
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China.
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:


*If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will go to China, Vietnam or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or China ...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru...
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or
2) Going to footy games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.

(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)
Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Most Aussie beer is foreign owned too though so it'd better be home brew or other home grown products

Originally Posted by gusthedog

Most Aussie beer is foreign owned too though so it'd better be home brew or other home grown products

Or buy more stuff from APT, Rijidij or Mulgo

Originally Posted by gusthedog

Most Aussie beer is foreign owned too though

So are a lot of the prostitutes.





So I am told

My ten year old son just asked me what the 80's were like.

So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.

4 FACTS:

These facts are irrefutable so be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
************

I saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach at Hunstanton yesterday.

I saw this man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids. The man seemed to be provoking the woman - Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and, to protect himself, took his baton to the man in an attempt to arrest him but after an enormous fight the guy managed to snatch the baton off him and began assaulting the policeman and his wife at the same time!............











Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages

Kenny the Rooster
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.
Kenny the rooster costs $3,000." A lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk.
"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in
the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says,
"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself!"

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh .. they're getting closer."

I quit my job as a human cannon ball yesterday. My boss was quite upset & told me that he didn't know where he was going to find a replacement of my calibre.