Jokes

**Bushwanderer** · 2nd July 2008, 04:29 PM

Bastard!

**isuzurover** · 2nd July 2008, 05:11 PM

Originally Posted by Sprint

classic!

GO QUEENSLANDER!!!!!!!!!!

I third that notion!!!! QLD!!!!!!!!!!

**djhampson** · 2nd July 2008, 09:51 PM

Well we did it!

**Bushwanderer** · 4th July 2008, 04:41 PM

A WOMAN”S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

The End

**moose** · 4th July 2008, 05:27 PM

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

**Hymie** · 5th July 2008, 08:05 PM

NEW ELEMENT
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalized with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but
twice as many morons.

**VladTepes** · 6th July 2008, 09:49 AM

Indian Wisdom

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

**VladTepes** · 6th July 2008, 10:47 AM

Federal Court Ruling from the Sydney Morning Herald , Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South
Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone.

**Blknight.aus** · 6th July 2008, 10:50 AM

One night around the fire place several young braves were talking to the indian chief, sort of the indian equivelent of the Australian BBQ..

one young brave asked the chief" why the men hunted so hard yet the women only skinned and cleaned the catch while the men continued preperation fro the next days hunt."

The chief replied "well soaring eagle, the men are of stronger bodies and the women have keener taste, that way we have more food that tastes better and more implements to hunt them with"

the next young brave asked "Then why do we not also hunt during the night, surely we would catch even more food as most animals sleep at night?"

the chief replied "prowling bear, we hunt during the day as some animals have the same thoughts as you, I need the braves in the camp to help protect the women of a night and if you hunted all night you would need to sleep during the day which would leave us voulnerable to the animals that are active during that time"

finally as the embers were starting to die off and a lot of the elder and larger braves had had their attentions wooed to other areas one last brave fielded one last question"great chief, how do you choose the names that you bestow upon us?"

the Chief replied "Sometimes the name is a blend of your mothers and fathers names, occasionally If a baby has a particular physical trait that will influence my choice, but mostly when I emerge from the birth teepee and hold the new born infant aloft to show the tribe the newborn warrior or skwar I will name it after the first thing that catches my eye." Curious, the chief looked across the dying fire and poked it abit with a spear to bring a brighterlight so he could see how asked the question, "Now tell me, why, with all the talk tonight of the finer things in life and the traditions of the hunt would you ask a question like that two dogs humping?"

**Blknight.aus** · 6th July 2008, 11:47 AM

One fine day while on a field recon an american brigade came across a large table top, an evidently untraversable feature. As they mullied around the bottom of the escarpment with Humvees scrabbling for traction, Bradleys track sliding and MAN 8x8 trucks axle hopping to a stop on the shaley slopes a lone 110 Perentie Landrover rattled to a stop as a lone digger climbed out looked down and laughed "bloody useless yanks, cant even get up a little hill"

The Secco of the nearest tractionally disavantaged Bradly ordered the grunters to dismount, assult up the hill and bring back the verminous scum. Fearless and gung ho the 10 large grunts in desert cam leaped and bounded up the hill as the 110 rattled back into life and reversed back into the dead ground offered by the crest of the near cliff like hill. About 2 minutes later the grunts crested the ledge and about 30 seconds later the last of the grunts was observed airborn on a samish trajectory as his bruised, bloody and cartwheeling mates back down the slope from whence they came. Again the lone Aussie digger peered over the edge, pointed to the slithering mess of yank grunters as they followed the mini landslides of their own creation past the vehicles stalled out on the hill, laughed and walked back towards the now concealed LR110, the ptpfsssh of a can being opened punctuated the mockery.

The tac net screamed obscenities untill a platoon commander came on the air, Made the suggestion that perhaps the grunts had been taken out one by one, exhausted after the climb and without the co-ordination offered by the use of Mbitr individual Tac Net Comms. He then ordered a full platoon of infantry with Comms and Small arms up the hill to bring back the bruised and bloody but live australian digger.

30 men appeared from behind their Armourd rides with helmets donned, radios on and checked, Full bodfy armour, webbing, water, rifles, spare ammo and a very serious intent to do some damage to their offender. Slowly and cautiously they eased up the the final step of the slope and as one, co-ordinated in only the way that well seasoned battle troops with good Comand and control over secure networks can they hurdled the ledge and flung themselves at their objective.

What followed could only be described by those monitoring the net was 20 minutes of the most confused mayhem of blood curdling screams and chaotic fratured orders of broken units trying to muster as one by one, again the yanks were returned to their point of origin beaten dazed and confused if not unconsious as they moved under gravitys influence among their broken bent and torn equipement in trails of dust.

The brigade commander was not impressed. He called in the platoon commanders they huddled around the map.

"gentlemen" he stated calling their attention to the small nature of the table top " we have come across an ambush by a potentially superior force, we have attempted to probe their location and have been denied, however at the end of the day we have the upper hand, the map shows this feature to be small at the top with very limited fighting and entrenching areas their force cannot be too great, we will surround the objective and then in one hours time we shall assult this feature from all sides with all man portable support and assult weaponary then along this line," the commanded pointed out a small area on the lee side of the objective "a single Bradly with dismounted infantry in support will move through and mop up 30 minutes after the initial assult has commenced. GO"

the pre battle chaos of re-arming, tending the wounded, strapping on armour, hydrating, praying, eating and cracking lame jokes occoured and after all the moving was done with the troops in position with enough weaponary to restage the civl war, both world wars, the Iraqy conflict and most US high school gun massacres the order was given "move now out"

for a while not much happend, then for a while longer nothing continued to happen. Eventually there was one blood curdling scream as a single grunter Staff sargent gathered courage, rallied his troops and sprinted up the hill, Mk19 grenade launcher spewing Hi Ex death atop the hill as the rest of the brigade spurred into action.

Not much is known about what happend in the next hour due to the dust that the mealstorm of fury kicked up on that lone feature but what is known is how it ended. It ended with a slow but continual cavlecade of US troops being ejected from the hill to slide ungraciously down the slope away from their target. It was all over when the lone bradly with busted up armor, damaged tracks and belching the smoke of a dying vehicle being pushed long past its limits half drove, half slid out of control down the angle of the feature and staggered its way back towards the command vehicle parked a safe distance away from the carnage.

IT never made it, The driver, the sole survivor of the conflaguration struggled from the now dead and on fire vehicle, slid down the front of the glasis plate and staggerd a dozen paces before passing out. The rattle of a lone 3.9l diesel engine starting was heard and with its headlights on the landrover calmly picked its way down a shalely long dry waterway then when on the flat land of the escarmpent turned across the front of the command vehicle and made its way off into the distance.

There was no other sound or movement save that of the single rag top Perentie FFR heading off into the distance with the drivers arm extended giving the command vehicle the finger and the awestruck timid voice of the commander over heard by the terrified driver as the commander tracked the landrover with his binoculars as he uttered to himself..

"by god, I Was Right, It Was an ambush, There's two of them in that vehicle."

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