Thread: Jokes

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down
next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used the
ribbon.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day
one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband
said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst
.. . my wife came home with no panties!
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a note stuck
to her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you !!!

Did you know why Australian salmon never venture past Brisbane??





Because they might end up in cairns

TIM...

Jeez it got hot in Melbourne last week..

This is to get you into the mood for Easter....
Easter Bunny Competition - See if you can spot the hidden Easter bunny in the attached picture?

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stops at a farm and begins talking with the old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I'm here to inspect your farm.'
The old farmer says, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
The Agriculture representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Australian Government with me.
See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!'
The farmer nods politely and goes back to his chores.
Later, the farmer hears loud screams and sees the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind is the farmer's huge prize bull.
The bull is gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified and clearly not going to make it to the safety of the fence.
The old farmer slowly lays down his tools, walks over to the fence and shouts out.....
'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'

Hodgo

Subject: Surgery
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked
you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time
ago."

"And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears."

What do the Titanic and a Land Rover have in common?












They have the same turning circle and are just as waterproof.

THE McCARTNEY DIVORCE

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul and his wife are settling a
divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false
leg.

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

Enjoy


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife
Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over
the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier
briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will
need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a
relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider
going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an
agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that
Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for
Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has
left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.