Thread: Jokes

And if you cross fleas with fish?



you get itchy cods.

This blokes in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning and theres a really bad storm going on. Stuff that, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is standing outside.

"Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??"

"No, p*** off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a *****. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to **** off??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."

So we're back in the day and mick jaggers got a bit of italian crumpet.....

and at some point we rejoin the story in the future, in a small bank somewhere west of sydney where an attractive young woman is trying to utilise a precious white china elephant as a form of collatoral. On the desk between the lovely lady and the lass with the irish lilt is a slight dissaray of legal looking paperwork bearing some ticks, sign here stickers a number that just doesnt look like making the grade for getting a loan and a small attractivley written nameplate bearing P. Whak adorns the tellers chest just above the scintilating turn of her breasts. Its been some time and the local manager meanders over eyeing both the feminine bueatys before him and while fantasising in only the way that a male could when encountering 2 gorgeous women in business atire is distracted enough to note that the conversation rather than leading towards the connotations of bedrooms, lingere and baby oil he'd rather be thinking about is becoming kind of heated. The illusion shattered he steps in behind the svelte irish girl and as he fingers through the paper work enquires to the nature of the problem..

The young teller informs him that the young lady is trying to procure a personal loan but only has this strange little item, which the teller doesnt recognise, as a securing item.

The manager leafs through the paper work one more time spends a little time eyeing some details on some of the pages and explains.

"Its a nick nack Patty Whak, Give the girl a loan, her old mans a rolling stone."

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on
Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed
at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me
for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.






Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little
out of the corner of his left eye.

(Must Read Out Loud)
1) That’s not right............................................. ...Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.........................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.............................................. ....Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man............................................... .......Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse............................................. ........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.....................................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table..................................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift................................Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s Very dark in here.........................................Wai So Dim
10) I Thought you were on a diet...........................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...................................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.........................................Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile .........................Wa Shing Ka
15)Your body odor is offensive............................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great............................................. ...................Fa Kin Su Pah

Yu so fa ni inc.

DEAF SEX

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes, "Honey,
why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you
want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two
times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his
wife, if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis
one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.