Thread: Jokes

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break,
In their soon-to be, new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
Going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian
Accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ****-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You are doing well ...
Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Australians.....

Italian kidnaps ex-girlfriend to get ironing done - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
But you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said,
"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,
And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
The Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.The Irishman was puzzled and asked the
remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or
what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us.Just then they came upon another cave. The second
Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
opening.The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
fine women in this cave!'He stood in front of the opening and hollered
with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then
heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam
in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his
clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper
read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying :

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.''I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.'Good,' she replied. 'Get your ownf ...ing blanket.'After a moment of silence, he farted.

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
tells them:

'Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the situation. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
her life.

'Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores,
a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him .....

'You root her again.'

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"