Thread: Jokes

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your
condoms in your car.

That's gold !

Words To Live By...

Never **** Off A Guy

That owns A Backhoe!!!!

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are
female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a
true female joke.




A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00......

On one condition"

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his
eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....




"Clean my house."

Women Explained By Engineers

Originally Posted by slipedisk

The Top Ten "Old West" Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same
After That, Gay Cowboy Movie....

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "cover my back, boy's "12. "get behind me, tonto" 13." ohhh, pancho, ohhh,cisco " 14. "let's ride into town and shoot up the sherrif "

A bloke was driving past a chook farm
and this chook screams past his car doing 75kmh
stunned the bloke pulls into the chook farm
gets out of the car and goes up to the farmer
gday he says correct me if Im wrong
but I was just overtaken by a chook doing 75kmh
was it one of yours?
yes replied the farmer they are a hybrid four legged chook
four legged chooks replies the stunned passerby
yup says the farmer
what do they taste like says the bloke
Dunno says the farmer havent been able to catch one yet

Larry gets home late onenight and his wife, Linda, says, 'where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I wasout getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned.'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollarbill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were youthinking?' she said, shaking her head in disdain. 'Why on earth would afinancial planner/accountant get a one hundred dollar bill tattooed onhis privates?'

Well, one, I like towatch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of yougoing out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundredbucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering inroom 232 at St Vincents Hospital.