Thread: Jokes

Man walks into a pub with an ostrich behind him.

Waitress asks for their orders......man says, 'Hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'......'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

Waitress returns with the order. 'That'll be $9.40 please', the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out that exact amount and pays.

Next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and has that exact amount.

After several weeks of the same routine the two come in again.....waitress says...'The usual?'.

The waitress can't stand it any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How come you always come up with the exact amount out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just reach into in my pocket and the right amount would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for ten million Euros or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'But what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs who agrees with everything I say

Italian Lover
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde
woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and,
after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile,
'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido
reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end
together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You
finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, 'No, I
Norwegian'

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner..
"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

When i got home last night my wife demanded i take her out somewhere expensive .......










So I took her to a petrol station .

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.



Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.



'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.



'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.



The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'



'No,' she replies. . .







Wait for it. .








It's coming. .










This was so bad I just had to pass it on.




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?









She says :



'You just happened to catch my eye.

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

STATE OF ORIGIN UPDATE - Breaking news



The NSW team training session was delayed yesterday for nearly two hours.

Willie Mason, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

The NSW Coach immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again this series.

Originally Posted by djhampson

After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again this series.

Muahahahahaaaaaa


Go Queenslander