Thread: Jokes

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR SUESS ? Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY ? To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING ? I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA ? In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK ? To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

FOX MULDER ? You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe?

EINSTEIN ? Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

THE BIBLE ? And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, ?Thou shalt cross the road?. And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

BILL CLINTON ? I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

BILL GATES ? I have just released e Chicken10, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file important documents and balance your chequebook.

FREUD ? The fact that you are concerned at all that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ARISTOTLE ? It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX ? It was an historical inevitability.

COLONEL SANDERS ? I missed one?

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole looking at its top. An engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole" said Paddy "but we don't have a ladder."

The engineer took a wrench from his bag, loosened a couple of bolts and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then he took a tape measure from his pocketbook, took a measurement and announced "Twenty one feet, six inches" and walked away.

Paddy shook his head and laughed "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Monkey in a bar


A guy walks into a bar with a monkey . The monkey grabbed some olives off
the bar and ate them . Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls To
everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole

The bartender looked at the guy and said, Did you see what your Monkey
just did

No, what

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table Whole

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, replied the guy, he eats everything in
sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey
ate and left .

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him . He
ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar . The
Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar . He grabbed it, stuck it up
his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it
out, and ate it The bartender asked, Did you see what your monkey just
did

No, what replied the man

Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled
them out, and ate them

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me replied the guy.

He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,
he measures everything first

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

I've just got myself a new dry wipe white board.

It really is remarkable!

A big bronzed Aussie stopped at a restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila , he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

He asked the waiter, ?What is that you just served??

The waiter replied, ?Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicals from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!?

The Aussie was momentarily daunted, but said ?What the heck, bring me an order!?

The waiter replied ?I'm so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning, but we can save you this delicacy for tomorrow evening.?

So the next evening the Aussie was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites and inspecting the platter, he called the waiter and said, ?These are delicious, but much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday.?

The waiter shrugged and replied, ?Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins.

?I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.?

Is it bad form to tell a 'knock knock' joke to a homeless person?