Thread: Jokes

keep up the good posts.

here are a few bad ones.


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communicating news and gossip?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."


Slowly I am getting there

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in
Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me
go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration,
slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted
"It took me three months to find a priest up here.
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Time for maintenance!

Land Rover Country!

Originally Posted by mick88

Land Rover Country!

Not like that little tinkling sound you get when you slam your Land Rover door...

Or the noise oil makes when it drips on the ground,heading back to where it came from...

Just sounds like a cash register to me..

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