Thread: Jokes

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally Posted by donh54

Earthquake Rocks Ipswich.

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale, has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre believed to be in the South Eastern Queensland City of Ipswich.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly uttering, "F'kin ell" and "Whadda barsted".
The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000.Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Ipswich Progress Hall, were destroyed in the quake.Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. Brisbane radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later in the morning".

The people of Ipswich are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying on as normal.
The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, Bronco tee shirts, Priceline jewellery and fine bone china from Bi-Lo.

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed include baseball caps; tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts (female); white sport socks; sturdy boots; and any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pups (Dagwood Dogs), doner kebabs, McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke; Passion Pop and XXXX Bitter.

Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet.

$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine; $30.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

Careful now. V8Ian will be looking for you

Why Couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?















It kept getting caught in the CRACK

A young lady is doing her grocery shopping at the local supermarket.

She puts the following items onto the conveyor belt:

1 carton of eggs
1 loaf of bread
1 kg of bacon
5 apples
1 bag of carrots and
1 lettuce.

A drunk comes up behind her and after a minute says

" I bet you're single!"

The girl looks at the drunk a little bemused.

She looks at the stuff on the conveyor and after a bit says.
" Yes I am single. But how could you tell?"



The drunk replies
"Because you're ugly!"

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Economics by a professor - Brilliant and yet so Simple

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying toget a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor hadfailed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on himabout, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himselfa shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued bythe predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told thather husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution afterall. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to goupstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP'

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

Why Couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It kept getting caught in the CRACK

What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives a woman WILD?


An empty toilet roll.