Thread: Jokes

-BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.




One said, " think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."




"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"




"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.




Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper
in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "




Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

The State we are in
New South Wales
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.

Queensland
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”


Tasmania
A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Northern Territory

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the car park!”

Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

South Australia
A man in SA had a flat tyre, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to bear his buttocks behind the car at passing motorists.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tyre.”
The passerby asked, “But why the exposed bum?”
The man responded, “When you break down in SA they tell you to bear your bum as people are happy to “service you”. I never did understand it neither.”

Western Australia
A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “about what?”

Victoria
The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women from England, Wales, and Scotland
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said,
"'ave ya ever been ****ed laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Not really a joke... But gummie bears anyone ?? Why do I have the urge to buy some of these for work ???

Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

read the first couple of pages of reviews.