Thread: Jokes

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...
that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

Hellooooo?

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

George was out shopping at the mall when he met his friend Kevin outside the jewelers. Kevin noticed that George had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what've you just picked up, George?" Kevin asks.

"Well, now that you've been asking," replies George, "it's me and the missus' anniversary tomorrow. And when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, ''Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds.''

"So what'd you get her?" Kevin asks.

George replied, smiling,

"I bought her a deck of cards."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

.................................................. .................................................. ...

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."

"Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I swear I dropped it and it landed like that, isn't that a miracle?”

“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:


“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the usual phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared there is no miracle. For it probably resulted from Murphy's having actually buttered the toast on the wrong side.”

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, " at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand...

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,

Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

A rich Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but as he had a most rare blood type the call went out far a wide to all Blood Banks...Finally a suitable person was located, a Scotsman...

All went well for the Sheik. As a gesture of appreciation he gave our donor a few presents...a BMW, diamonds, and 10,000 pounds.
A couple of months later the Arab needed further surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After recovering, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had done the first time. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you might be a bit more appreciative, like last time - but you only sent a box of chockies with a card....

To this the Sheik replied: "Aye laddie, but 'noo I hae Scottish blood in ma veins".

Before you say any'ting, Being of Irish descent...O'im allowed to poke fun at me'self...

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin’, snowin’, hailin’ . .. . why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros”.

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"