Thread: Jokes

I thought this was priceless


They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..


SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?


They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ..
They're happy in Denmark ..


Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!


AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?


Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.


THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !


AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like,
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel ****
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"???

Well No **** Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.



She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need
to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor??"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer,

"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied,

"Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

WHY MARRY?


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.
__________





AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

Country Doctor!!




A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community
could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back
on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to
the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over
to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making
her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that
she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you
should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct,
she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I
noticed the vicar under the bed."

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to **** in the boat."

An old Drover walks into a barbershop in Blackstump Crossing, NT for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the drover declares it to be the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replies......

- Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.