Thread: Jokes

1. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

2. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

These should assist you with most daily decision choices.

As the cell door slams shut, the lights are turned out, poor old Rolf Harris, sits on his bed.


He puts his head in his hands and begins to cry.

Then a voice from behind him says.....




"do you think that I would leave you crying, when there's room in my bunk for two”

You would have thought someone would have invented hindsight sooner.

PEARLS OF WISDOM.


" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "

The Arab in the nursing home...

​An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. . . ...

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an English home.

After a few weeks in the English facility, they came to visit Grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little

different from everyone.

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.

There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor !

And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The ****ing Arab".

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a gold fish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

My mate is in love with two school bags. He is bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of the voluntary work?”
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of thin paper.
He said “I want you to trace someone for me.”

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I am not promising anything.”

I phoned the local council today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He said “I’m not stoping you!”

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar?”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?” “Yes the man replies.
I’m wondering exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Originally Posted by d2dave

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a gold fish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

My mate is in love with two school bags. He is bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. I think one of their club members is a regular on here ...........

The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of the voluntary work?”
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of thin paper.
He said “I want you to trace someone for me.”

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I am not promising anything.”

I phoned the local council today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He said “I’m not stoping you!”

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar?”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?” “Yes the man replies.
I’m wondering exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had robbed his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; seduced his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity amongst other failings....
I was appaled that I'd been assigned to such a terrible place.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gushed:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late