Thread: Jokes

Right, its a joke thread, stop it!


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

ET rools OK
How 'PC' can you get?
Health and safe-ET: bonkers BBC bans show in case aliens swear | The Sun |News

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he says that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the **** that on the balcony with Dave?

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office...
and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister.
'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'



'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.
'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'



'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made.



And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.
'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.
'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'



'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?'

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/attachment...1&d=1352764331

Originally Posted by SBD4

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/attachment...1&d=1352764331

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles. The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. ... A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the ****ing price.