Thread: Jokes

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Michael and Gary got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.


In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'


Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up Yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '



After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline

And I think

....I gave him my airplane glue.'

The farmers sons were sent home from school for swearing, and got a lecture and sent them to bed without dinner. Next morning they sat at breakfast, and were asked what they wanted. "I'll have some of them bloody corn flakes", one replied. He got a clip over the ears @ a good toungue lashing for that. "And what do YOU want? " Dad said to the other, " None of them bloody cornflakes, for sure" he said

The english teacher asked bluey to give her a sentence with an object. " You are very pretty " he said. " Whats the object?" she asked. " To get an "A" in english, he said. Boom Boom ,Bob

Proudly showing off her newly leased apartment to a couple of friends one night, a slightly tipsy blonde led the way to her bedroom, where there was a large brass gong on the wall. " what's the gong for? " asked a friend. " Ish not a gong, issss a talking clock" she replied. " serioushly?" said the friend, " Yup" hic!. " How does it work?" said friend , squinting. " jusht watch", at which the blonde picked up a hammer @ gave the gong an earshattering bash. They looked at each other in silence,. Suddenly , a voice from the other side of the wall screamed " for god's sake , you stupid cow, it's 3 o-clock in the morning!!! " Bob

A young bloke in a pub notices an old couple being lovey dovey at the next table and eavesdrops on their conversation. The old bloke says "You know it was 50 years ago today when we first came to this pub. Do you remember how we sneaked out the back into the alley and had sex against the fence?"
"Oh yes!" she says "why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
So off they go the the young bloke thinks "I have to see this" and discretely follows them to a point where he can see them.
The old girl hitches up her skirt and the old bloke pushes her against the fence and they set off like you wouldn't believe. The young chap had never seen anything like it as the old fella was off like a jackhammer. They thrashed and gyrated for about half an hour then collapsed on the floor exhausted. The young bloke went up to them and said "That was fantastic. If I have a tenth that much energy at your age I'll be very happy, what's your secret?"
The reply - "Sonny, 50 years ago this fence wasn't electrified!"


Martyn

I, ______________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology, if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ a Martini ______ a Margarita ____ a Scotch and soda ______ a Gin and Tonic _______ a Tea Time ______ a Steak ______ Lobster or crab legs ______ the remote control ______ a bowl of ice cream ______ the sports page ______ a Land Rover parts catalogue ______or chocolate:
it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature:__________________________ Date: _________________________
NOTE:
I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.
Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes.
If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE send me the data so I can pre-register.

Whats the difference between a 19 year old Blonde Male & 19 year old blonde female???
The female has a higher sperm count...

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were on the Titanic, when she hit the iceberg. As she started to sink, the Purser shouted " we are about to meet our maker, we'd better do something religious!!". The Englishman said a prayer, the Irishman sang a hymn, and the Scot took up a collection!. Boom boom , Bob