Thread: Jokes

My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

Follow the chart

1.I couldn't find the thingy that turns the TV on today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it.

They said she left me yesterday.


2.Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

3.Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?

Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

"Well…How bad is it ???

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials !
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that ? “
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU !
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them..
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children..
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they have possessed her!.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription'

The Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck,Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$400!" she cried, "$400 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $400."

Marriage is like a deck of cards
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond
By the end you'll wish you had a ****ing club and a spade