Thread: Jokes

Sex On Mars


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc..

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Originally Posted by abaddonxi

french military victories

hahaha very funny

Alan

Originally Posted by abaddonxi

french military victories

The Americans have Defcon (Defence Condition) 1 to 4. Defcon 1 being imminent war and Defcon 4 being no current threat. The French are said to have a similar four stage system, run, hide, surrender, collaborate.

Originally Posted by Brian Hjelm

The Americans have Defcon (Defence Condition) 1 to 4. Defcon 1 being imminent war and Defcon 4 being no current threat. The French are said to have a similar four stage system, run, hide, surrender, collaborate.

I don't like 'The Simpsons' but when the last big Iraq anti WMD skirmish erupted, a certain nation was conspicuously absent from the combined 'good guys' and there was a reference made on the show to the 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys' apparently.

cheers, DL

It is a pity that we as Australians don't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up for what we believe (unless the Yanks tell us to) as do the French.
Regards
Glen

A Melbourne Zoohad acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult tohandle. Upon examination,the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat..

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham , a bigKiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.. So theZoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham , 'You gotta give me another week to come upwith the $500.

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a

stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed,



'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!