Thread: Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and
eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He
asks.
" No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them
out, and ate em!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

Why men don;t write advice columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


******************************



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter

not really a joke, but still funny

New Melbourne Storm Logo

A mate came around the outher day to celibrate his birthday.
Noticed he had a new Rolex watch on his wrist,
so I asked if he bought it for himself as a present.

"No mate, two lesbians moved in next door and when they found out it was my birthday they asked what I'd like,
I said I wouldn't mind t watch... and they gave me this instead."

A true blonde story, I think.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she
stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies,
"Nope I am 47!"Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt.
Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands under her shirt and begins to grope around.
After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

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