Thread: Jokes

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examinationthe Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad and former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

deleted i think it wasnt up to aulro standerd

We have standards?

Originally Posted by hillbilliywheelchair

deleted i think it wasnt up to aulro standerd

Nooo Jono I read that and thought it was great! Great punchline for a drunk irish joke
Please post it up again
-Mark

Originally Posted by spudboy

We have standards?

Yep, they're those things you put under the Landy when you jack it up.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then?. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'


ps is the a mod i can pm some of my other jokes to see if their forum friendly

A rather obese gent consults a doctor, in an effort to lose weight. Following the failure of of all attempted avenues, the doc tells tubby that he will have to wire the big guys jaw shut. All nourishment will have to be partaken anally, ensuring the minimum calories will be aquired. After three further consultations, twenty kilograms had been shed. On the fourth visit a much healthier specamin minces into the surgery.
"What on earth........has the weight loss turned you gay, man?" the medico enquires.
"No doc, I'm just chewing a minty"