Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by cucinadio

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .

Originally Posted by p38arover

Maths jokes!

My dad is a retired mathematician, which somehow means that he still goes in to work every day, but doesn't get paid for it.

He got all ****ed a couple of years ago about those tests that they give you in school -

1,3,5,7... find the next number.

He'd hated them when he was a kid, and had just worked out that you can put any number at the end of the sequence you want.

It may not be the obvious answer, and the solution might be very long and complicated, but that isn't what the question asks for, it only asks what number comes next.

Hmm, don't suggest this to your kids for their next maths test, somehow I doubt it'd get by.



Simon

could either be 9 or 11, depending on if the answer requires simply an odd number, or a prime number

A woman asks her husband,'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A sliceof toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?

He declines.'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's thisViagra,'he says.'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'?


At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.'A bowl of soup,homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'


He declines.'The Viagra,'he says,'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.'would you like ajuicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?

He declines again.'No,'he says,'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still nothungry.'

'Well,'she says,'Would you mind letting me up? I'm bloody starving!'

True Friendship "Aussie Style--" None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those **** weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pickled and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad..



2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you..



3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.



4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.



5.... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whining..



6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words..



7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy backside, but I'll help you up.



9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

because you are my friend.



Friendship is like ****ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.



Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.