Thread: Jokes

an oldie but a goodie

Australian National carrier representing the country
Qantas = Queers and Nancys training as stewards

KIWI's

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'

The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'

The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'

The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
you drive a tixi?'

'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'

The bartender grins and yells,

' He's okay boys. He's one of us.'

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

Originally Posted by sashadidi

an oldie but a goodie

Australian National carrier representing the country
Qantas = Queers and Nancys training as stewards

Since the scandal a few years ago with a hostie having sex with a passenger, they have changed their slogan.



Dave.

Got my son a I-pod today, got my daughter an I-phone today, splashed out and got my son a I-Pad also, could ot have the missus miss out so I got here a ... I-ron

Paddy asks the librarian "have you got the new help book for men with small cocks"
Librarian " its not in yet"
Paddy says " yes thats the one"

What's the difference bewteen a plumber's appointment and tantric sex???

There is no difference. You stay in all day and no-one comes.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety

lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real

examples that have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where

you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


---o0o---


On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants."


----o0o---


On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

of this airplane."


---o0o---


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business

as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a

flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

hell everything has shifted."


---o0o---


From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth ..

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

---o0o---


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

small child, pick your favourite."


---o0o---


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is

pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in

the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


---o0o---


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump

and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and

bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight

it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies

and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking

with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"


---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way

through the wreckage to the terminal.."


---o0o---


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


---o0o---


Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em."


---o0o---


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The

weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence

followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a

cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine!"