Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by hiline

DO you fart in bed?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD,
LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND
ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS
WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS
USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.
THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.
SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

Oh! Ray, we have missed you!

I stole this from another forum, but its worth it!


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the @%$& down.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the @%$& he wants.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @%$&ing Indian.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the **** out of them.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he ****es.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the @%$& off.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Although Spiderman's spidey sense is impressive, Chuck Norris has a roundhouse sense that allows him to kick ass before the ass even shows up.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the @%$& Chuck Norris is.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.

Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

Chuck Norris is the only person in history to have went black and went back.

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.

Chuck Norris found the cure to cancer a long time ago. he didn't tell anyone, stating it would "be funnier this way".

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

When Chuck Norris enters a night club, he instantly becomes the life of the party. An instant is roughly how long it takes Chuck Norris to kill a room full of people.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Cheers
digger

[ame="http://s99.photobucket.com/albums/l295/hiline_01/?action=view&current=WhySeniorsBreakTheirHips.flv"][/ame]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

I was a great fan of Wheel of Fortune & I've held off saying anything about the passing of Adriana Xenedis I just felt it was I_app_opr_at__

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her
best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
The eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
Then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
All eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
Of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted.

Port Adelaide - NEWS FLASH

Police in Port Adelaide (South Australia) have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of:
2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 anti-tank missiles,
4 grenade launchers,
20 tonnes of heroin,
$50 million in forged banknotes
and 25 trafficked prostitutes
All in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!"