Thread: Jokes

Anyway where did the cat GO?

Originally Posted by Vandermorph

Anyway where did the cat GO?

Home?????

Dunno if it's been posted before but here it is anyway.....Enjoy!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking
deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the f*ck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
>2 months.
>
>Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
>kit.
>
>The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
>crying, the mother says
>
>"who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
>
>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
>Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man
>with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
>the Mercedes and enters the house.
>
>He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
>tells
>them:
>
>"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't
>marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
>I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
>life."
>
>"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
>townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
>
>If a boy is born, my legacy will be a coupleof factories and a
>$4,000,000 bank account.
>
>If twins are born, they will both receive a factory and $2,000,000
>
>However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
>
>At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
>firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
>
>"You xxxx her again."

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.
>
>
> Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple
> of
> sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.
>
>
> He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.
>
>
> But Elton starts crying.
>
>
> "What's up?" asks Robbie.
>
>
> Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

i found this to be funny


> >> "Hello?"
> >> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
> >>
> >> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
> >> Paul"
> >>
> >> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you
> >> haven't got an Uncle Paul."
> >>
> >> "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
> >> right now"
> >>
> >> ...... Brief Pause
> >>
> >> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
> >> phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the
> >> bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just
> >> pulled into the driveway"
> >>
> >> "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
> >>
> >> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
> >> phone.
> >>
> >> "I did it Daddy"
> >>
> >> "And what happened honey?" he asked
> >>
> >> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
> >> clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
> >> over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
> >> isn't moving at all!"
> >>
> >> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
> >>
> >> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He
> >> was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
> >> and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
> >> that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
> >> hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
> >>
> >> ***Long Pause***
> >>
> >> ****Longer Pause****
> >>
> >> Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool... ?? ...... Is this
> >> 9439- 1457

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every single problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."