Thread: Jokes

thats horribl..........................................y funny !

That it is

Don't encourage me.
BRAIN CRAMPS

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward

.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the

lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

--Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"

--Lee Iacocca

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1

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude

certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective

March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack

in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their

heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Sorry about the large font

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.htm


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward

Possibly false: See http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/olympics.asp (aslo shows Bennett as a footballer, not basketballer)

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/barry.htm

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

False: http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp (also attributed to George W Bush)

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/quayle.htm


"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp (attributed to George W Bush)

Well I did have to say don't encourage me

Anybody would think I have a monopoly on jokes lately


An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".


Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.


Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.


Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.


The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsmanasks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

Theoctopus says, "Play It? I'mgonna f*** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

One saturday morningthree men were standing in line at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St Peter told the first man "I am only admiting people in today who have died a really horrible death, how did you die?"
The first man replied "Well I got home from work early one day and my wife was acting really strange, so I figured she was cheating on me. I could hear noises coming from somewhere but I couldn't see anyone. I went outside and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the balcony. I started bashing his fingers untill he fell. He landed in the bushes, still alive, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it at hiim. All of this caused a blood vessel in my brain to burst, klling me."
"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me" said st Peter as he let the man in.
The second man then recounted his story. "Everyday I exersize on the balcony of my apartment. This morning as I was exersizing I slippeed and fell over the edge.uckily i caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. But this maniac appers and bashes my fingers untill I had to let go. I get lucky again and land in some bushes, not to badly hurt. Then, before I know it, a fridge falls out of the sky and crushes me to death."
Once again St Peter conceded it was a horrible death. Then the third man told his story.
Picture this," he began. "I'm lying naked inside a fridge..."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by

Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this

holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess

something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and

pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents

a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly

gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket

and pulled out a set of keys. He shook

them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through

the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately

through his pockets and finally pulled out a

pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised

eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those

symbolize?

The man replied," "These are Carols."