Thread: Jokes

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

ORSM stuff Ezyrama, simply ORSM

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there is more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'she's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter, 'you'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Who Put The Dog Out ...


A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoot! s back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'
!
A few minute s later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not **** in the vegetable garden again!'
!
The silence in the cab was deafening.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen..

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Following on from the Viagra topic

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHoZpO8cbUo&feature=related"]YouTube- Condom Ad from Australia[/nomedia]

What have the Australian Labor Party and the McDonald's Hamburger chain got in common?

They're both run by red headed clowns.....

Modern Day Cowboy.........

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.


He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.


He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."


"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an ATO genie."


"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.


"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***


The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."


"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***


The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.


"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"


After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***


He turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything there's going to be a string attached.