Thread: Jokes

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small plot of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to walk across and welcome the new bloke to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man And says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about **** on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

"What do you mean, mate?" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "Man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink ****, and listen to bull****."

Hope this has not been posted before

Scam Warning
WARNING:

A ‘Heads Up’ for those of us men who may be regular Mitre 10 customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.


Here’s how the scam works.


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Mitre 10. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.

A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry; we still have one engine left.

The blonde in seat 17A turned to the man next to her and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.



"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's



They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.



Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."



The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.



The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).



When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!



"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.



"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .



When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.



Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

not a joke as such,just a cool clip

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo0Cazxj_yc]YouTube - PEOPLE ARE AWESOME[/ame]

Education....

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies

“My wife”.