Jokes

A lady goes to the doctors with her face all black and blue. Her doctor asks what happened and she said that every time her husband comes home drunk he belts her around the face. The doctor says that he has a cure for this and he tells the lady that next time her husband comes home drunk she is to fill her mouth with water and swish it around until he goes to bed. So next time, she tries this and goes back to the doctor with no bruising on her face. She says that his treatment worked but wanted to know how it did it. The doctor told her that the water did nothing at all but it was due to the fact that she kept her mouth shut.

Apologies if any other Kiwis on the forum are upset by this!! This is in response to 85County’s probing in another thread!
(and so it begins!)
I was driving along the outskirts of Auckland when suddenly I saw (unnamed kiwi) behind a shearing shed in a paddock having his way with a sheep. I stopped and rolled down the window and says, "Hey (unnamed kiwi)! Aren't you suppossed to be shearing that sheep?". He replied quickly, "**** off! I'm not sharing this sheep with anyone!"

I was shocked but then I spoke to a lady who had just been rescued from a shipwreck… she told me that originally a New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was the beautiful young woman who was telling me the story, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. (she was stunning)

She said was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. The young lady felt that the time was right and plucking up the courage she told the Kiwi that she would do absolutely anything he asked of her.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

I was shocked! I moved on and about 20 miles later I saw an Australian ventriloquist (he was visiting New Zealand) walk into a small town and speak to a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

I moved on again… there was a worrying trend with the people here…. So I went to the zoo,maybe looking at the animals could help… walking through the first animal I saw was a lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole. A sign declared it was a vicious animal and to keep back.
I said, "He doesn't look very vicious to me." "Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up." "Is that right?" I says, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

This was all too much, I went to the airport to try and catch a plane home… on the way I saw there was a sign at the local rugby stadium. “NO GIRLFRIENDS” I asked the taxi driver “Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?” the taxi driver replied “They eat all the grass!”

I was on the plane as a connecting flight to a bigger airport so I could catch my flight back to Australia… a kiwi sheep herder was flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. I said, “ Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! Kiwi: What about the sheep?!? I said “#### the sheep!!!! Kiwi: (pause) Do you think we have time?

Back in Australia….having a beer to recover when a kiwi walked into the pub with a pig under his arm?
The barman says “Bugger me mate, where'd you get that?”
The pig reply's “Down at Centrelink mate, there's thousands of the bastards”

I went down to Centrelink to see for myself…
A Kiwi walks into the centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bull####ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it"
I went to the hospital, I was so stressed, there I saw an Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem though... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediately picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitely not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"

Now as I said this was in response to 85County’s probing in another thread, So Mr kiwi“85” if you decide to attack my computer I will know!!.....
How can you know if Mr Kiwi”85” has hacked your computer? Well I will know because the RAM is screwed!!

Now maybe you should go back to reading your favorite paper…“ The WOOL Street Journal!”



(Sorry I couldn’t fit these in…. )
Q What is the difference between a Limousine and a sheep?
A Not all kiwis have been in a Limousine

Q. how does a new zealand man find a sheep in long grass?
A.PLEASURABLE!!!!


Q What is the smallest organ in a sheep?
A The kiwi’s penis

Q. Why do new zealand horses run so damn fast?
A. 'cos they seen what happened to the sheep
((CHEERS DEAN!!))
Again, apologies if any other Kiwis on the forum are upset by this!!

And now I shall be ducking for cover!

Hi,
and there was the Kiwi who thought the Canning Stock Route was an annual event.

cheers

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by digger

Apologies if any other Kiwis on the forum are upset by this!! This is in response to 85County’s probing in another thread!
(and so it begins!)
I was driving along the outskirts of Auckland when suddenly I saw (unnamed kiwi) behind a shearing shed in a paddock having his way with a sheep. I stopped and rolled down the window and says, "Hey (unnamed kiwi)! Aren't you suppossed to be shearing that sheep?". He replied quickly, "**** off! I'm not sharing this sheep with anyone!"

I was shocked but then I spoke to a lady who had just been rescued from a shipwreck… she told me that originally a New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was the beautiful young woman who was telling me the story, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. (she was stunning)

She said was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. The young lady felt that the time was right and plucking up the courage she told the Kiwi that she would do absolutely anything he asked of her.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

I was shocked! I moved on and about 20 miles later I saw an Australian ventriloquist (he was visiting New Zealand) walk into a small town and speak to a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

I moved on again… there was a worrying trend with the people here…. So I went to the zoo,maybe looking at the animals could help… walking through the first animal I saw was a lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole. A sign declared it was a vicious animal and to keep back.
I said, "He doesn't look very vicious to me." "Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up." "Is that right?" I says, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

This was all too much, I went to the airport to try and catch a plane home… on the way I saw there was a sign at the local rugby stadium. “NO GIRLFRIENDS” I asked the taxi driver “Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?” the taxi driver replied “They eat all the grass!”

I was on the plane as a connecting flight to a bigger airport so I could catch my flight back to Australia… a kiwi sheep herder was flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. I said, “ Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! Kiwi: What about the sheep?!? I said “#### the sheep!!!! Kiwi: (pause) Do you think we have time?

Back in Australia….having a beer to recover when a kiwi walked into the pub with a pig under his arm?
The barman says “Bugger me mate, where'd you get that?”
The pig reply's “Down at Centrelink mate, there's thousands of the bastards”

I went down to Centrelink to see for myself…
A Kiwi walks into the centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bull####ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it"
I went to the hospital, I was so stressed, there I saw an Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem though... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediately picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitely not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"

Now as I said this was in response to 85County’s probing in another thread, So Mr kiwi“85” if you decide to attack my computer I will know!!.....
How can you know if Mr Kiwi”85” has hacked your computer? Well I will know because the RAM is screwed!!

Now maybe you should go back to reading your favorite paper…“ The WOOL Street Journal!”



(Sorry I couldn’t fit these in…. )
Q What is the difference between a Limousine and a sheep?
A Not all kiwis have been in a Limousine

Q. how does a new zealand man find a sheep in long grass?
A.PLEASURABLE!!!!


Q What is the smallest organ in a sheep?
A The kiwi’s penis

Q. Why do new zealand horses run so damn fast?
A. 'cos they seen what happened to the sheep
((CHEERS DEAN!!))
Again, apologies if any other Kiwis on the forum are upset by this!!

And now I shall be ducking for cover!

---

Cliff notes? :D

Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs
can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the ****ing car in the garage this time

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy.

John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."

John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say. 'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? " "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."

The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says: "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
__________________

A woman customer in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in their respective aisles.

All this time, however, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Edward, we won't be long, easy, boy."

There’s another noisy outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Edward, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Just hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is screaming and throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says: "Edward, Edward, just relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Edward."

Very impressed, the woman walks outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the still screaming little boy into a car.

She goes over to Gramps and says: "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were just amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and, no matter how loud and disruptive this boy got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," replies Gramps, "I'm Edward. The little bastard's name is Steve."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"