Thread: Jokes

Will admit someone on here txt me this today, just couldn't resist posting it...


Went to Maccas & the girl serving was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me off so we walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks. Here was another girl wearing a burqa. I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was nicely decorated with beads and sequins. That's when I realised - the Burqas are Better at Hungry Jacks....


Using Capitals, the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse...

HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly,
and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed..
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though ..

Originally Posted by MickS

HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly,
and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed..
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:
LAND ROVER wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though ..

Well, the investigations into Amy Winehouses death are just beginning and already its contraversial!

A leading radical muslim extremist group have claimed they are responsible AND APOLOGISED!

It appears they have a cell that they activated that are dislectic, apparently they were instructed to attack and kill army and whitehouse and it all went bad!!!


I did however realise that whilst watching the news report that there is only one real difference between amy winehouse and jeremy clarkson,
.
.
Jeremy clarkson is still doing top gear!
..

OK that was in poor taste and knowing that the funeral is to be held very soon I was surprised to hear that Elton John will appear and perform his old favorite "candle heating the spoon" at the funeral.

TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
Wives: If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich! Alternatively, if you see him with an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....
not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Q: What is the national anthem of New Zealand?

A: "I Still Call Australia Home"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong??

The boy says me Ma is dead

Oh bejaysus the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?’

The boy replies ‘No thanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment’.