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40% of men over 40 years old suffer from erection problems.
Looking at 40% of women over 40 years old, it's not hard to understand why. :p
Using Capitals, the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse...
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“Ok,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,
“You ****ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ8vWgNXUYw"]Josh's Story - YouTube[/ame]
:D
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE.
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to Woolworths and buy cake.
Bingle Jells!
Have you ever wanted to use meaningless, empty phrases that make it look like you know what you are talking about? This handy tool can help!
Plain English Campaign gobbledygook generator
This is more for those of you who have had a colonoscopy, or are close to someone who has. This includes myself and SWMBO(Three times)Parts of this had me in fits of laughter.
Dave.
COLONOSCOPY
I called the doctor, Andy, who happened to be a friend of mine, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Alice Springs.
He then explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!’
I left the doctor’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later, for now suffice it to say, we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies…
I spent the next several days sitting around being nervous.
Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day. All I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then in the evening, I took MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one litre plastic jug, then fill it with luke warm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then I have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes (and here I am being kind) like a mixture of cold goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by someone with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with me as the shuttle. There are times when I wish the old commode out in the shed had a seat, because you spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not yet eaten.
After an action packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the hospital. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the hospital I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel more naked than when you are actually naked…
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep…
At first I was annoyed that I hadn’t thought of this, but then pondered what would happen if you got too ****ed to make it to the bathroom, you would be staggering around in fire hose mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I know Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba. I remarked to Andy that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
“You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
“Ha ha” I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squirmish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea really. I slept through it. One moment Abba was yelling “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine", and the next moment I was back in the other room, waking in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been more proud of an internal organ.
Here is a list of quotes from people who have had a colonoscopy whilst awake. A physician claimed that these are actual comments made by patients (mainly male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.
“Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before?
“Find Amelia Earhart yet”
“Can you hear me now”
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
“You know in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
“You put put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
“Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
“You used to be an exectutive at Enron, didn’t you?.
“God, now I know why I am not gay.”
“Could you tell my wife that my head is not up there?.
A man in rural Wisconsin woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. Not exactly sure what to do, he takes a look in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers". He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun and a mean ole pit bull dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."