Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

I might be getting old but I do not under stand this joke. Due to the nthanks you got obviously others do.

I have not heard of this Hugo bloke, so before I typed this post I googled him. Some bloke who died from a heart attack. So what is funny about putting HC on your taps?

Originally Posted by Mr Whippy

I might be getting old but I do not under stand this joke. Due to the nthanks you got obviously others do.

I have not heard of this Hugo bloke, so before I typed this post I googled him. Some bloke who died from a heart attack. So what is funny about putting HC on your taps?

Not sure if you're being serious there Mr Whippy.....

Hugo Chavez
Hot Cold

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile , seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

One day I accidentally overturned my Golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, where we were living at in The Vines, heard the noise and called out,

"Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack , and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

(She was very pretty and persuasive.)

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...'




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.




She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'




To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'




Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.




So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the




pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'




She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Sometimes its hard to keep a straight face dealing with customers.....

Customer: do you know where the sex shop is?
Me: what the?????
Customer: hubby dumped me on my birthday and this is the first time I've been in town since then so I'm going shopping
Me: I haven't got missus.... No need to go there!
Customer: all the more reason for you to know where it is!
Me: lady, I've got a high speed internet connection and a bulk pack of kleenex.....

Sadly, not a work of fiction..... Although it definitely brightened up my morning!

A number of years ago my wife and I were in a big shopping centre. We split up and aranged to meet at the Virgin music store at a certain time. When we met up my wife had an interesting story to tell me.
She said she could'nt find the Virgin music shop so she asked one of the security staff where Virgin was. His reply to the Mrs. was
"You'll be hard put to find a "virgin" in this place."
He then gave her directions after a hearty laugh.

I am not sure whether I have posted this in the right place as this is probably more serious than a joke.

Gonorrhea Warning

A new strain of the old disease, GONORRHEA has become rampant!! This
one has been named GONORRHEA LECTOR, and is pronounced,

"GONNA - RE-ELECT 'ER".

This strain is contracted by placing one's cranium up one's rectum.
It is now common knowledge that many victims contracted it in 2010,
but now most people, after having been infected for the past 2-3
years, are starting to realise how destructive this disease is

This is sad because GONORRHEA LECTOR is so easily cured with a new
drug coming onto the market, called VOTEROUT. You take the first dose
in 2013, the second dose in 2016, and simply don't engage in such
behaviour again; otherwise it could become permanent and eventually
wipe-out all of us here in Australia!!