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A chap was leaving the office one late evening & passed the CEO standing in front of the shredder looking confused.
The CEO called him over, "Can you help me please, this is a very sensitive and important document, & my secretary is not here .... err .... do you know how this thing works?"
"Sure", said the guy. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper & pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent", said the CEO, "I only need one copy".
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says....'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies....'It's working just fine... I'm down to two butts a day.'
IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
Zulu Delta is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
Puzzled Glenn asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep
the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make
the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
:)
That is one version of that urban legend. A couple of other versions are here.
snopes.com: The Biscuit Bullet
Husband:Oh, come on.
Wife:Leave me alone!
Husband:It won't take long.
Wife:I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband:I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband:Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband:If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband:You don't love me anymore.
Wife:Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife:I can't find it in the dark.
Husband:Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband:Oh, yes.
Wife:Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife:Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.
This is a good one